Men find successful women attractive. In fact, the mere thought of successfully asking such women out for a date, regularly hanging out with them, or even getting intimate with them thrills most men. But things change when it comes to long-term commitments.
For example, men appear to develop cold feet when it comes to settling in long-term relationships and marriage with more successful and ambitious women. Why is this?
“I have no problem dating or having sex with a powerful woman. It will be a different ball game if she wants marriage or long-term commitment,” says Elijah Murimi, an executive chef in Nairobi. “I’ll bolt away because I can’t stand being undermined in my role as the head in the relationship.”
Murimi says that with a top earning, powerful partner, he fears that he would be undermined at home. “Take my career for example. I cook to earn. Chances are that a powerful woman will turn me into the house chef simply because I live my working days in the kitchen. I don’t think such a woman can see me in the same light she sees her top earning male colleagues,” he says.
His lack of enthusiasm is not so far-fetched. Two years ago, he dated a woman who worked as a senior manager at an NSE-listed insurance firm.
“She was curvaceous, polite, and nice to be with. She liked that I could cook too. But I felt underwhelmed whenever we went out. I could not get past the fact that she earned six figures, especially when she offered to pay the bills. I also felt like a Ben10 whenever I drove her V8 Landcruiser,” he says.
Although his partner would be comfortable taking lunch at the average restaurant, Murimi says that he still felt that she did not belong there. In the end, he disqualified himself and broke up with her. “It was not that she cheated on me or was disrespectful. I only felt that my position as the man in the relationship was compromised. I could never catch up to her,” he says.
But not all relationships in which women have the upper career and financial hand are ridden with trouble. Take the relationship between Jean-Pierre Meyers and Francoise Bettencourt-Meyers.
Ms. Bettencourt-Meyers is currently the richest woman in the world with a net worth of USD. 56.7 billion, while Mr. Meyers is the managing director of the Tethys SAS, a community-based business insights company. Their relationship and marriage has lasted for decades.
There are also men who are intimidated by women with higher academic credentials. Globally, it is estimated that every year, more women than men are becoming college educated, with the median sex ratio being higher for women in colleges and universities.
A 2019 research study by Belgium’s Ghent University on women looking for love on the dating app, Tinder, found out that women now prefer highly educated men, even though this pool of men is not adequate.
“Most of these reservations are raised when the man has an exceedingly lower educational level that makes it impossible to reason issues out or that cancels out mental, emotional, and intellectual compatibility,” says Oliver Kibet, a psychologist consultant based in Nakuru.
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The tide on these reservations may be turning, if recent research is anything to go by. For example, a review of research in the 2000s on demographic trends in the US by John Hopkins Department of Sociology found out that women with at least a bachelor’s degree are more likely to get married and stay married than less educated women.
What the men said…
Mberia Gitonga, the founder of Universal Safety Centre and Consultancy
The Kenyan man is not intimidated by ambitious women. What we don’t like is the negative energy that some ambitious women deploy to gain the upper hand in relationships. No man will tolerate bad energy.
On the other end, though, an ambitious woman is a plus. She has always won throughout generations. Our mothers were ambitious in their lifestyles and daily hustles. The difference with the woman of today is the thinking that being foul and overbearing because she has a superior career or pay check will make us equals in the relationship.
That is major turn off. I also think that as men, we need to differentiate between ambition and intimidation. Not every ambitious, go getter, professional woman is a relationship and romantic bully.
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Pancras Karema, chief executive officer and co-founder of Expeditions Maasai Safaris Ltd.
I have never felt intimidated by successful women. In fact, I am encouraged and inspired by a woman who goes out of her way to attain financial and career success. As an entrepreneur, I know so well how hard it is to make things work, and when I see women breaking barriers and building successful careers or businesses, I can’t help but appreciate the sacrifice, determination, and the sheer focus it takes to get there. When that woman happens to be mine, the least I could do is to clap and encourage her to reach for the stars.
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David Kyalo, the founder of the events and marketing company, Koncepts and Events Limited
The world has changed and the modern man is adopting accordingly. Unlike the time of our fathers, today’s Kenyan women are as equally, if not more, competitive financially and career-wise. Just pick any industry and you will see Kenyan women excelling.
In fact, this trend is not only happening in professional white-collar industries. Go to manual jobs such as machinery operations and even masonry jobs at construction sites. You will meet women working and making good money there.
Subsequently, I would not mind having a woman who is career-driven or who has that nose for money. It would be a plus if she actually earned more than me because this means that chances of us accelerating our wealth would be higher. Women know how to gather and nurture.
The expert’s take:
Most men feel uneasy when dating a successful woman because of the social pressure to be providers, to feel as the primary providers, and to be socially seen as the primary providers. The reality, though, is that the financial, job, and economic dynamics are changing rapidly.
More women have joined the workforce and are earning good money or surpassing the number of male employees. This shift in gender-career dynamics is demanding that men learn to adapt to new forms of financial power balance and women embrace their new opportunities tactfully.
That way, relationship ingredients such as commitment, honest and mutual respect, and support will remain constant. – Patrick Musau, psychologist.
