The prospect of finding the right partner is always endearing, especially after a number of bad relationships.

There is excitement, faith and hope when a new relationship is born. You cross fingers and hope that at long last, you have found ‘the one’.

At the onset, things seem to be working. Your work-days brighten up. You feel more energetic and stress-free.

But then gradually, your bubble is burst by a sequel of bad relations that end in heart break.

And once again, you are back to square one, wondering how many more frogs you will have to kiss before meeting your prince. You are not alone.

Many other women are in the same basket. Take Keziah for instance. In her mid 30s, she has suffered many heart-breaks while searching for Mr. Right.

“I have not had luck with relationships,” she says with a pained and dejected look on her face. “I have just broken up with my boyfriend. We had been together for six months. Then I found out that he had a wife in the countryside. It was devastating.”

Unknowingly, Keziah has dated three other married men. Expectedly, the break ups are taking a huge emotional toll on her.

“Whenever I find someone, he never stays for long. I am always left. Sometimes I wonder: Will I ever find someone to be happy with? Don’t I deserve to be happy? Or there is something wrong with me? Aren’t I beautiful enough?”

Tell-tale signs

Annette is another victim of bad relationships. She is always falling for the wrong guys, even though there is an abundance of good men around her. She is just not attracted to them. The trouble is, she never learns from her many break ups.

“I love spontaneity, drama and kinkiness. It’s fun, sexy and exciting,” she says.

And true to her word, Annette has dated a whole bunch of men who never care about her welfare or feelings.

Severally, she has closed eyes on the tell-tale signs that her partners have all been bullies. She hopes that she can change them.

“No one is perfect,” she reasons. “We all make mistakes; we all have our weaknesses. You cannot condemn anyone on that basis. Moreover, everyone is capable of changing for better. Even some of those hardcore criminals at Kamiti do change!”

Whereas the tendency to fall for the wrong kind of guys can be partly genetically explained, the behaviour is usually learned.

Research shows that partners on the rebound or desperate to pair off often suffer heart break.

In marriages, over 50 per cent of all second marriages usually end in divorce.

The reasons behind this often go way back to the victim’s childhood.

Noteworthy, as an adult, you are likely to seek out emotional situations similar to those in your childhood.

For example, if one or both of your parents was absent, you may be inclined to feelings of being ignored.

As a result, you may be subconsciously looking for partners who will ignore and neglect you.

Or if your parents were regularly in conflict, then you are likely to look for partners with whom you can fight.

Fear of intimacy

Similarly, it might be that you are trying to make up for something that went wrong, or was missing when you were growing up.

Like an absentee father. So you look for someone who is unavailable, usually a married partner.

You do as much as possible to make them love you to make up for your absentee father.

The fear of intimacy is another key contributor to this. It is usually inspired if you were physically or emotionally abused by your parents, guardians or close siblings in your infancy, or even past boyfriends.

You do not want anyone to come too close to you, so you choose partners who can never do so. And married partners often make for ‘good’ choices.

If you are always falling for people whose lives are all messed up, it could be that one of your parents – in this case the father – had organisational problems.

Your mother devoted all her time to caring after him, which you subconsciously want to do.

Or you may decide to go for a bad guy in the hope that you can change him. However, you will never change him. Bad guys don’t change.

In fact, nobody does, unless they make a conscious, deliberate decision to, and fully commit themselves to making that change.

All said though, the cycle of bad relationships is not a maximum security confinement from which you can’t escape.

So what can you do to set yourself free from bad unions? Start by asking yourself about your past relationships using these guideline questions:

Do I seem to date the same type?

Look at the partners you have been with. Pick out their common attributes.

For example, are they all married? Are they all bullies and batterers? Or are they all good-looking, spontaneous and full of drama?

How have I contributed?

Analyse yourself in respect to your actions in all the bad relationships that you have been in. For instance, are you overly critical or jealous?

Look at your childhood: Does any event reflect in how your mate treats you? See if you need to change, what you need to work on, and how best to go about making that change.

Are my spouses genuinely interested in me?

Look at all the people you have dated. What were their intentions for you?

Were they really interested in a long term union or was it just for fun?

Make a list of the most important items that you must have in a relationship.

Clearly identify your needs, then pair them off with your mates.

See if there is any relation, correspondence or acknowledgment of the same.

Ask yourself what kind of man you should have. Do not go for anything less than what is reflected by your values.

What is a good relationship?

Get a fair opinion of what constitutes a healthy relationship. Clearly identify how decent and proper interactions should be carried in a relationship. Note your roles and those of your partners.

Compare your answers to your current situation. If you are in a relationship, ask yourself whether your partner is anything like your list.

If he is not, cut tail and run! Do not ready yourself for more heart break; reach out for groups where nice people hang out. Befriend them.

That way, you minimise your chances of pairing off with the wrong kind.

Better still, you have nice guys to fall for. Remember, you are important, and deserving of a happy and fulfilling relationship. So go for it!