To date a poor man and build your wealth from the scratch or to date a rich man who has his finances in order? This is a question that you may have asked yourself multiple times.

On one hand, you are afraid that you might be labeled materialistic by shunning broke men and going for the rich. On the other hand, you are afraid that dating a poor man is a risk that hardly pays off.

After all, you have seen broke men desert or cheat on the women who stood by them when they had nothing.

The poor and insecure

Jolene Lubanga, who is the head of marketing at a Nairobi-based Tours and Travel company, says that it is very important for a man to be financially stable from the point of dating.

“I have previously dated a man who made less money than I do. Our relationship started strongly. I even thought I’d get married to him. But we soon hit the rocks because of the differences in our earnings,” she says.

Her man was in a perpetual state of insecurity. He was afraid that Jolene would sit on him.

Apparently, her partner was in a perpetual state of insecurity. He feared that Jolene would sit on him because of her financial superiority.

“I cannot count the number of times he uttered the words ‘I am the man in this relationship!’ to me,” she says. Since Jolene’s business diary entailed heavy traveling, her man began to demand that he accompany her wherever she traveled.

“If I was accompanying a group of tourists to Samburu, he would demand to be on the trip to keep an eye on me. He couldn’t accept that I would stay faithful to him regardless of our pay gap,” says Jolene who is in her mid-thirties.

In the end, she could not take it any longer and decided to quit the relationship.

“I truly loved him and would have wanted things to work out between us, but I was also conscious that he would never accept or cope with my go-getter financial attitude. I was not ready to marry a man who would limit my entrepreneurial efforts or my pursuit for success,” she says.

The rich and secure

One of the fears you may have about dating a poor man regardless of his potential to get rich in future is the financial insecurity of the relationship.

Rebecca Ndirangu who runs a wedding catering business in Nakuru says that she prefers the comfort and assurance of the money at bank to the feelings in the heart.

“I can love a man but I would never marry him if he is poor. Having potential doesn’t mean you’ll get rich. Heri nilie kwenye Range Rover kuliko nicheke juu ya boda boda!” she says.

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Rebecca says that she would never be the woman who panics every end month because her man has potential but no cash to pay rent.

She adds that a man ought to have adequate cash that can also be occasionally shared with his extended family.

“If he is unable to send something to his mother or younger sister who is in college, how will he be able to take care of you or your kids?” she says.

According to Dr. David Ludden, the author of Modern Psychology, women’s preferences tilt in favour of money over looks because of economic demands.

“Mating choices have economic consequences. Women would not go for looks as much as they do if they didn’t have to worry about the economic repercussions of choosing looks over money,” he says.

The beautiful and the rich

When it comes to a dating beauty contest, the poor guy will hardly win over the most beautiful woman in the pool.

According to Dr. Chris Hart, the author of Single & Searching, the most beautiful women look for men with the highest social status, which usually means rich.

“The downside to this is that the man, rich or averagely stable may subconsciously spend way beyond his financial ability to show he can afford it,” says Dr. Hart.

This is echoed by a study that was conducted by the University of Göttingen on some 68,000 men and women. This study found that up to 70 per cent of men place having an attractive body as their top dating feature.

Why alpha woman-poor man doesn’t work

According to Dr. Hart, an alpha woman’s relationship with a poor man can hardly work due to respect and self-esteem issues.

“These kinds of relationships don’t fail because men are intimidated by alpha women. The problems only start when the woman grows disappointed with the man,” he says.

“Once she loses respect for her partner, intimacy slowly fades away because desire is based on respect and admiration. Women need to be able to admire their partners for their relationships or marriages to stay successful and passionate.”

Dr. Hart adds that powerful, smart and ambitious women have very high expectations, and that is one of the main reasons why their relationships fail.

How to choose

According to psychologist Ken Munyua, a career woman looking for love shouldn’t go for the extremely poor man. It is wiser to go for a man at her level, or slightly below her level.

“The minimum should be a man who earns slightly lower than you, but has the grit to improve his earning ability. You can measure this by checking his financial habits. If he earns less and is a spendthrift, chances are that he could drag you into his poor financial habits,” he says.

When it comes to money and relationships, Munyua adds that character and financial power go hand in hand. For example, apart from checking the status of his pockets, check his character too.

“Don’t date him if he is the type that will take you on a cruise with an expensive yacht but treat you like trash. Date him if he is modest, has tangible ambitions and projects to improve himself,” says Munyua.

Quick takeaway stats

A survey of 28,000 heterosexual men and women aged between 18 and 75 that was conducted by researchers at Chapman University in Orange, California found out that:

Women:

• 46 per cent of women consider it very important for the men they’re currently dating to start earning more than they do.
• 61 per cent of women want men with successful careers.
• 42 per cent of women will favour financial ability over heavy body weight.

Men:

• 76 per cent of men prefer to date women who earn less
• 67 per cent of men will not mind dating women with average careers.
• 95 per cent of men with an advanced degree prefer dating good looking, slender women to rich women