Josphat Kanyi comes from a long line of wealth. His grandfather owned large tracts of land in Nyandarua, Murang’a, and Kajiado counties.
It is a fete Kanyi likes to boast about as he staggers home from his drinking escapades in Murang’a town. “Who am I? I am a dynasty!”
When his grandfather passed away in 2011, Kanyi’s father inherited 20 acres of land. Out of these, he has sold off fifteen and used the proceeds to set up commercial and residential houses in Kitengela town.
Now that his father is 65, Kanyi believes that he is next in line to enjoy the fruits of inheritance. But unlike his father, there is little hope that Kanyi will improve his family’s fortunes. The 40-year-old has not worked since quitting his bank job in 2007 at age 26.
Over the last 14 years, Kanyi has been living at his parents’ house. “I will be rich soon. I know I will,” he tells whoever cares to listen. Perhaps in resignation, his parents have made peace with the fact that he will never leave the nest or start his own family.
They provide him with food, shelter, clothes and monthly stipends. “He is still my son and as a mother, I will never stop loving or caring after him. All I could ever want is the best for him,” says Kanyi’s mother, Zipporah Waruguru, 60. Her voice betrays a tinge of bitterness and heartbreak.
It goes unsaid that her only child is waiting for their death so that he can take over and squander their property.
Kanyi is one among a whole generation of men who are no longer in a hurry to jump off the nest despite hitting their thirties and forties. These are men who were born between 1975 and 1990. Today they are aged between 31 and 46 years.
The lives of these men are compounded by the inevitable midlife crisis, a stage of restlessness and apathy. In the face of it all, many elderly parents like Kanyi’s are coming to terms with sons who grey hair while still living in the same rooms they transitioned from adolescence to adulthood.
This phenomenon largely affects middle to high income families in both rural and urban areas.
Sociologist Christina Chanya Lenjou singles out the middle class mentality where parents struggle on behalf of their kids.
“Middle class parents say they’d rather struggle so that their kids won’t struggle in future. But over the years, this approach to parenting and family wealth creation is breeding irresponsibility among male children,” she says.
“It is stretched too far to a point where parents continue carrying their adult sons’ responsibilities and baggage.” Modern parents are no longer as strict as traditional parents were in molding responsible male adults.
Previously, parents drew the line on when their children would move out. Every young male adult knew that once they completed school, they had to move out and fend for themselves.
Ms. Lenjou says that this is why you could find young men from well off families working at construction sites to get a sense of hard work, independence and discipline.
“The society has now evolved. More parents have adopted the helicopter or cosseting parenting style. They are at their sons’ beck and call.”
Ms. Lenjou says that the ripple effect is a boy child who is raised and schooled through a system that doesn’t always make him confident enough to leave the nest and establish his identity in the competitive world.
“Parents who get too involved leave no space for independence to thrive. Consequently, even in adulthood, this child will want to cling onto their parents and be totally dependent on them for material support and decision-making approval,” she says.
Edith Kamindo who is in her late fifties regrets being a cosseting parent. “I was protective in an over indulgent way when raising my son. I would run back to school if he forgot his sports kit. I would even do his homework if he was too bored to do it. I never allowed him to experience failure,” she says.
Edith admits that she micro managed her son’s life to an extent where every decision he made came from her. From choosing which subjects to pursue in high school to the number and class of friends he had to keep!
“I thought I was being a caring parent. I took him to the best performing private schools and made him pass his exams including through cramming and leaks. But I didn’t know that I was stifling life out of him,” she says.
Her son who is now 36 dropped out of university in his first year and has never been able to hold jobs.
“He says the world is too tough for him. He is unable to hold his ground without me because I taught him to be dependent on me instead of being independent,” she says with a tinge of regret.
In some cases, helicopter parenting can turn into breeding an animal that will eventually turn against you.
In Kenya, instances of men who refused to leave the nest killing their parents so that they can take over property are not alien.
In December 2020, a man in Kenyenya, Kisii, murdered his mother after she refused to bequeath to him a piece of land. The man strangled his mother with an electric cable over inheritance, which he had intended to sell off and acquire a motorbike.
Today, Patricia Mueni’s mother is grappling with her second born son who won’t leave home.
“My younger brother is 38. He still lives in the same bedroom he grew up in. My mother has lured and brought him three wives but even this hasn’t sobered or manned him up,” she says.
None of the three women who were brought in lasted a month. “They all said he was dirty and too irresponsible at a personal level to be tolerated,” says Patricia.
She attributes the immense wealth their late father left behind as one of the factors driving his brother’s irresponsible lifestyle. Their dad was a wealthy man.
He had invested extensively in real estate. He left behind three apartments in Eastlands, Nairobi, where Patricia’s mother collects rent, a residential plot in Githunguri town, and a tea farm in Kiambu.
“My mom is 72. My brother thinks she doesn’t have much time to live,” she says. His eagerness to see her mother die scares Patricia.
“I feel like he’s so greedy and eager to take over the property that he could commit something awful,” she says. Since age 34, her brother has been demanding for his share of inheritance.
To calm him down, Mueni’s mother allowed him to be collecting rent from their residential plot in Githunguri. “He collects Sh. 21,000 in rent, which he uses to fund his alcoholic lifestyle,” she says, a lump of bitterness burning in her throat.
Where parents are well off, the anticipation of inheritance has been holding men from earning their own sweat. According to sociologist Joseph Orinde, this sense of anticipation and entitlement to inheritance is nurtured by parents.
“While it is not a crime to stack up wealth for your kids, it is a different ball game when a kid is made to realize that whatever a parent owns is theirs to inherit. This fosters laziness, entitlement, and in some occasions unbridled greed for property. The child will never leave the house. He’ll always lurk around waiting to take over,” he says.
This resonates with Felix Ombasa. The 38-year-old confesses that he can’t bother looking for a job. Although he scored an impressive grade A in his KCSE, he has never bothered applying for college. He believes that he is an heir to his father’s the throne.
“My father is a wealthy man. Why would I go looking for a job?” he says. Ombasa likens himself to Prince William of the United Kingdom. “If a whole prince still lives with his parents, who am I to move out?!” he says.
A poorly performing economy and job losses have sparked the age of boomerang children.
With limited employment opportunities and massive job losses, more adult single men are returning home to live with their parents because they can’t afford to survive on their own.
Eddie Kimani, a popular former Tv anchor, returned to live with his mother at age 39 due to financial strains. “After 18 years in media, I got a job in Nakuru County that required me to take a pay cut. To compensate for the cut, I took loans and ventured into a wrong business,” he said in a session on Safaricom’s Engage platform.
“It reached a point where all my money was going into loan repayments. The stress streamed in, my spouse left after I cheated, and at one point, I couldn’t even afford rent nor take care of my personal needs. At age 39, I had to go back to my mum.”
Astonishingly, men who live at their parents’ houses still want to run their lives as if they were living on their own. They want to bring over multiple girlfriends too.
The Sunday of November 8, 2020, was the day James Waweru’s new girlfriend visited his house for the first time. He had planned the day perfectly but he couldn’t stop being anxious. She arrived at around 2pm.
At first, she thought he was restless because it was her first time to visit him. “You have a nice house,” she said as they settled on the couch. “Ni–ni–nikujaribu tu!” he stammered as he gestured with his hand. Tiny balls of sweat glistened on his forehead.
“Maybe a glass of water would be a nice way to break the ice! You are sweating already!” she said. “Oh yes!” he said. Just as he stood, an elderly lady walked into the room and shouted ‘Junior!’
James froze. “Uliachia nani nguo zako kwa corridor? Utahama lini wewe?” Visibly shaken, James turned around. “Pole mom!” he said. His girlfriend was shocked. “Junior! Mom! This is not your house, is it? You live with your parents? Oh my God!” she said, picked her handbag and walked out, her face in her hands. “Mooom, sasa mbona unaniharibia?” James shouted at his mother. “You’re a grown up man. At 36 you should be taking your girlfriends to your own house!” his mother rebuked him.
In most cases, men who refuse to leave the nest never get married. Orinde christens these types of men as celerac babies.
“This is the type of man who grew up getting all that he wanted. He now finds that the world is tough and different. He is unable to hold a job and ends up retreating to his mother’s for freebies,” he says.
Among these men, marriage is translated into moving out, something they cannot afford to do. Josiah Mbugua, 38, who is still living at his parents’ house, concurs.
“My parents provide me with free food and shelter. If I get married, I will be risking moving out. I am not ready for such an undertaking,” he says.
According to psychologist Ken Munyua, some of the men who refuse to move out despite advancing in age subconsciously attempt to adopt and live their parents’ lifestyles.
“The root cause is the lifestyle under which they were brought up. These are men who have been accustomed to getting all their wishes. They fear that by living the nest, they will lose all the privileges. A good home, easy food, and prestige,” he says.
Munyua singles out parenting empathy as another force behind parasite male singles. “If a man gets a job paying Sh. 14,000 after college and wants to move out, the parent stops them by arguing that Sh. 14,000 is too little to survive on,” he says.
This rings true for Moses Kubai, 38. He lives with his mother in Milimani, Nakuru. Kubai says that he had intended to move out at age 25 in 2007 when he secured a paid internship as a surveyor in Nakuru town.
“I got an internship that came with monthly stipend of Sh. 10,000. I told my mother that I wanted to move out and rent a single room at Mawanga. It would cost me Sh. 2,000,” he says.
His mother who is a millionaire residential plots developer objected. She said that moving out would ruin her social status and prestige.
“She said she couldn’t allow me to rent a low-class single room when she has a five bedroom mansion all to herself,” says Kubai.
Since then, Kubai has never bothered to look for a job or leave his mother’s mansion. There is an age at which a man should not miss the milestone of moving out.
Some wealthy parents with undisciplined young male adults have however taken steps to nip the happy-go-lucky attitude of their young adults on the account of future inheritance. This includes world renowned celebrities.
For example popular martial arts star Jackie Chan has made it public that he will not leave any wealth behind for his adult son who has been having run-ins with government authorities.
“If my son is capable, then he will make his own money and wealth. If he is not, then he will just be wasting my money if I leave it behind,” said Chan. His estimated wealth stands at over Sh. 40 billion.
Starting from scratch with a poor man versus dating, marrying a rich man
Stats: Marriage and moving out
- Marriage in Kenya is often tied to a man leaving the nest. Culturally, it is widely considered a taboo to marry while at your mother’s house. In Kenya, the average age of marriage for men is estimated to be 24.8 years.
- According to Munyua, a man must start contemplating how to live on his own by the age of 21. The journey begins at around age 21, assuming that high school was completed at age 18. A young man will likely be in his third year in college or university. This is the time he should start hustling for paid and unpaid internships, so that by the time he lives college, he’s ready to rent and live on his own.
The law, murder and inheritance
Kenya has witnessed cases of sons killing their parents over inheritance. Man more instances of sons contemplating committing murder to inherit go unmentioned.
According to Section 96 of the Law of Succession Act, a child who commits murder against his parents is not entitled to inheriting them.
“A person who while sane, murders another person shall not be entitled directly or indirectly to share in the estate of the murdered person,” the Act says.
It provides that persons beneficially entitled to shares in the estate of the murdered shall be ascertained as though the murderer died before his victim.
A version of this publication was also published in the Saturday Magazine. The Saturday Magazine is a publication of the Nation Media Group.