What a beast, what a gigantic monument to shininess. When they parked the Toyota Hilux Invincible X outside my house, my first worry was I might need planning permission.
It has a massive, open flatbed with a flap-down back door, along the lines of a classic pickup, with extra bling. I texted my mother a picture of it to ask if she needed anything. “Can I have seven labourers from the 1930s?” she said. “I have work they could do and crusts of bread.” Seven cases of wine didn’t even leave a trace on its capacity. I stuck the kids in the back. They begged me to drive down the road. I realised how illegal that was, and how much the world had changed.
It has legitimate seats as well, of course: a double cab and four seats. Imagine yourself in a regular car, with a huge other car stitched on to the back. There is nothing obnoxious, jerky or hard to control, but it’s unlike anything else, even any other SUV, I can think of. It has a 2.8-tonne towing ability; the sheer bulk of the engineering makes it more like a removal expedition, or driving a ski lift.
On a long drive, the slightly sluggish acceleration disappears as a concern – it is plenty poky enough for responsible motorway driving – but the wasted capacity made me feel guilty that I wasn’t transporting a Portaloo and towing a horse.
Through no fault of the car, it was extremely unpopular on the oft-medieval streets of London town. The one I drove was tomato red, which didn’t help, making me look like the kind of person who would buy a car to mess up other people’s mornings. The reversing is hair-raising – a camera but no sensor – yet nothing beats the metallic crumple as you hit a pillar and hear your wheel arch peeling off. I drove off panting. The debris was obstructing the wheel, and I had to stop and bend it backwards. I was so far out of my skill zone, I might as well have been skinning a rabbit.
Other road users started to avoid me after that. Driving with such an injured car is like walking around with fresh stitches in your forehead. A few strangers nodded and said, “Great car”, and, wracked with guilt at what I’d destroyed, I’d poke my head out the window and yell, “When you say ‘great’, do you really mean ‘red’?”
It’s the most CO2 I’ve ever spewed out, with the least to show for it. If you accept, though, that it will make sense only with three tonnes of burden, you will take more pleasure from the drama.
Toyota Hilux Invincible X: in numbers
Price £23,009 as shown (double cab auto; prices start at £17,759)
Top speed 109mph
Acceleration 0-62mph in 12 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 32.8mpg
CO2 emissions 203g/km
Eco rating 3/10
Cool rating 7/10