Jacqueline and her partner have a near-perfect relationship.
“We get along well and resolve our conflicts in a mature manner. He genuinely loves me and is faithful,” she says.
However, she says that something is missing.
“We are not man and wife,” she says dejectedly. “Sometimes I wonder whether we are dating, courting or cohabiting.
“I feel that it is time I walked down the aisle and if he asks, I will definitely say ‘Yes!’”
But her man has not mentioned marriage. Neither is he showing any signs of doing so any time soon.
In the same boat is Mary, a 32-year-old public relations officer. She has been waiting donkey years for her boyfriend to pop the big question, but he hasn’t. Subsequently, Mary begins to think that he is a complete waste of time.
“What are we doing if we aren’t headed for marriage?” she asks. “We are not getting any younger. It is time we settled down and concentrated on a family.”
Battle shyness
If this year ends without a marriage proposal, Mary intends to walk out and look for someone who wants to settle down.
While some men are not interested in proposing, others are too shy to propose. They do feel the need to get married, and believe they have found the right partner, but are afraid of being turned down.
“I do love my girlfriend and believe she will make a great wife and a good mother,” says Mary’s boyfriend, Paul. “However, I have not proposed yet and she thinks I am wasting her time, but I am not. I am just not sure how she will react if I propose.”
What most women do not know is that it is they who will make a man propose.
“Most men have to be led down the aisle,” observes psychologist Chris Hart.
Getting a man to propose, however, is not about great sex or the amount of time you spend together.
“There are three critical things that will get a man to propose: affection, openness and sharing of things ,” Chris says.
Show affection
“You have to be genuinely affectionate, and that entails simple things like touching, sitting close together, and even secret smiles.” Rosina Mruttu observes that if your mate is not affectionate, is phony, or for some reason you don’t feel affectionate towards him, “chances are high that the proposal may not be forthcoming”.
Sarah Kabu shares that openness and doing things together was what did the trick for her.
“We always sought to do things, both big and small, together, and it helped that we shared a love for travelling. This gave us an opportunity to exchange ideas and fears.” In fact, out of it not only came the proposal but their joint travel company, Bonfire Adventures.
Rosina concurs: “You should feel truly able to share your important secrets with him, knowing that he will keep what you say to himself.”
For instance, can you tell your man that you don’t like a certain thing about his best friend or his mother’s cooking with the confidence that he will not tell anyone? If he keeps your secret, know that you are a step closer towards wedding bells.
Share secrets
Chris cautions that couples who feel unable to share their secrets hardly get married regardless of the number of years that they spend living together. He further notes that where marriage is on the cards, it takes a man less than a year to propose.
“If two years have gone by without a proposal, then you should begin to get him to commit.”
Talk about it
However, men hardly discuss marriage, even when they are seriously thinking about it.
“Marriage is a touchy subject, with lifetime commitments and responsibilities. It is not an ordinary topic that you can bring up anyhow,” says Joseph, 29.
Therefore, it is upon the woman to raise the matter. “In about 70 per cent of couples, it is the woman who speaks about marriage first,” Chris notes.
To begin with, your man may have no intentions of marrying you, yet he won’t tell you so unless you ask. On the other hand, he may wonder how to even initiate the subject.
“Many men are reluctant to propose, perhaps because they are wimps and/or are scared of being rejected,” says Chris. “A man will only propose when you let him know that it is what you want.
If you are still strongly together after a year or so, then by all means tell him about marriage. Few men realise that dating for a year and being in love means getting married.”
However, do not give him hints! If you want him to do it, just tell him. Neither should you directly challenge him. Men hate it. For instance, if you say “We have to get married or else I’ll walk out,” he will likely tell you to walk out.
If you quip that you will start looking for a man who’s ready to settle down, he will readily tell you to go ahead.
But bear in mind that men don’t react well when marriage is first discussed. Therefore, do not see his bad reaction as a refusal or rejection. As Chris says, “it’s a stress reaction”.
Just give him time to digest it, and then raise it again. And remember to cut your loses too, if he is rigidly against getting married.
