Thursday, March 28, 2024

Why men who love zealously never completely love again

It was not the first time that Douglas Mwangi was falling in love. Unlike his previous two relationships though, it was the first time that he was falling in love so completely.

“Elizabeth was irresistibly beautiful,” he says. “I had pursued her for months without success.”

He couldn’t be happier when she finally accepted to date him. “I gave my heart to her, and saw her more as a wife than a casual girlfriend.”

Douglas went out of his way to demonstrate his love by supporting her ailing boutique two months after they started dating.

“At that time, it didn’t occur to me that perhaps it was too early to start reaching for my ATM card,” he says with a tinge of regret.

Contrary to what he expected after his ‘sweet gesture’, Elizabeth began to complain that he was snoopy.

“I frequented her workplace to see how the business was doing but she thought I was suspecting her of infidelity,” he says.

Douglas admits that he sometimes felt insecure, which prompted his benevolence in a bid to secure his place in her heart. He apologised for his actions and after much pleading Elizabeth forgave him.

However, she had discovered a secret: Douglas was helplessly in love with her, and could take whatever she threw at his feet.

In their third month together, she began to have too many weekend trips. He suspected that she was seeing someone else, but didn’t have the courage to confront her.

To make matters worse, Elizabeth began to misuse the money he pumped into her business. Eventually, he found out that she was using the money to finance her lover’s lifestyle and their weekend outings.

Ironically, Douglas directed his anger at Elizabeth’s side dish.

“I couldn’t see that she was the one on the wrong,” he admits.

Humiliated

The break up that followed left Douglas depressed and financially drained. He thought there could never be another like her, so he humiliated himself trying to pursue her.

Indeed, four months later, when Elizabeth broke up with her other boyfriend, Douglas almost took her back.

“I nearly welcomed her back into my life. It took my close friends and a psychologist I was seeing to dissuade me.”

Looking back, Douglas says that his biggest error was not loving Elizabeth but loving her completely: “If I hadn’t, I could have managed to redeem myself earlier.”

Loving a woman so completely is something that men fear doing. According to some men that we spoke to, a man just doesn’t give his heart to a woman, regardless of the intensity of their relationship.

According to Joseph Mwathi, 28, a man only gives his heart at his own peril.

“You should never love a woman with all your heart, whether she has earned it or not,” he cautions. “There is nothing like a guarantee of eternity in a relationship.”

Joseph explains that in his early dating years, he would fall hard for every girlfriend. In turn, the women treated him as they pleased. When each of the relationships ended, he found himself battling desperation and low self-esteem.

“My zealousness was hardly valued or reciprocated,” he says.

Nelson Nderitu, an educationist, attests to this: “One can only value what they’ve earned and not what has been handed to them on a silver platter.”

He says an emotional and financial breakdown taught him a never to be forgotten lesson on falling in love.

“I loved Jane and was overly eager to keep her,” Nelson says. “She took advantage of this, to the extent of seeing other men while I played the good guy, paying her college fees and waiting for her to come to her senses.”

But nothing could stop Jane from eventually leaving. His disappointment was so severe that he had to see a psychologist.

“I was totally messed up; I felt suicidal,” he confides. “And all because I had given my heart, and lost the guard that could have upheld me in that eventuality.”

Since then, he does not dare to love a woman with his heart.

“It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or that I love you less. It is only a precautionary measure that men take.”

Best formula

But Joseph Kariuki sees it differently.

“As much as men don’t give their hearts easily, it all boils down to the woman the heart is being given to,” he says. “I once gave my heart and was hurt. And like any other man, I had to be cautious the next time I started a relationship. But after meeting my wife, I did not hesitate to try again, and it worked out. This doesn’t mean that we do not have our own ups and downs, but that we respect and value each other’s emotions.”

This is something that Nahashon Muna wouldn’t dare to risk.

“Men love with their eyes. Love is just a means to their end,” he says. “It is the accepted order and should remain that way. There are certain possessions that a man shouldn’t lose, and the heart is one of them.”

Apparently, men do not handle rejection or break ups well, and this is the best formula for surviving emotional hurt. It is also the engine that sometimes leads them sexually astray.

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